Paingry: When AxSpA Puts You in a Bad Mood
It’s a beautiful summer evening and after pushing through a particularly high pain day at the beach with my family, I’m in my hot kitchen trying to make my kids' favorite meal, as per tradition after a beach trip. The house is growing increasingly louder, and the kids are getting restless and asking me what feels like a hundred questions.
I finally lose it and start yelling at my family and then begin to cry from both the pain and the guilt I feel for taking it out on my family. It’s the furthest thing from my proudest moment as a wife and mother, and it fills me with so many emotions to recall that day.
Sometimes we don't even realize it
I think as individuals with AxSpA, we can feel the moments of being “paingry” creep up without even realizing it, and all of a sudden all the tension from the physical pain and the emotional aspects of not being able to do the tasks and activities we want to all come pouring out, and we end up hurting the people closest to us.
I think as someone who was fairly new to having such intense flares, that moment really taught me a lot about myself and my disease. As much as I wish I could do and be all the things that I use to, my abilities are at times different from what I’m used to. And that can take time to adjust to. But it's ok!
Sometimes things have to be adjusted
That evening I spent sobbing and yelling in my kitchen, taught me that sometimes it's necessary to not be everything to everyone. That sometimes pivoting is necessary. Sometimes traditions need to be postponed or adjusted. Sometimes we have to ask for help, or just remove ourselves and rest. And it's ok!
Some days in order to avoid being paingry, we need to really look inward. We have to choose the beach or dinner, but not always both. We have to sometimes put our body's needs and pain signals first.
That day really taught me so much, and luckily- although I’m not always in the best mood-i haven’t pushed myself to these limits since, and day by day am learning to listen to my body!
Have you ever been paingry? You’re not alone! Share if you feel comfortable!
Does reading AxSpA patient stories help you in your journey?