Dreading When the World Goes Back to “Normal”

As the pandemic shows signs of finally drawing to a close, people are talking about what life will be like when things go back to “normal” — how strange it will feel to gather in large groups, how bare our maskless faces will feel. Some people are excited to regain normalcy; others are nervous about the readjustment. I’ve been reflecting on this, too — how vastly different my life is now compared to a year ago and how vastly different it could become. I feel excitement, of course, to see friends and family when COVID is behind us. But I also feel a sense of dread.

When the world goes back to “normal,” will my chronically ill body be able to keep up? Will I be able to manage to readjust to the busy life I used to have? Do I even want to? My chronic illness has been more easily managed in my narrow, monotonous pandemic world. When the pandemic ends, my world will get bigger again, and I’ll lose some of the sense of control I have over my daily activities.

Staying home helps me manage my chronic illness

Right now, I can stay home and lay low every day, and no one questions it. In fact, staying home and getting excessive rest is the right thing to do right now. It’s a chronic fatigue dream come true. I also don’t have to say “no” to social invitations right now, because there aren’t any. I don’t struggle through long car rides or on-foot commutes, because I’m not going anywhere. I rarely have to navigate the outside world or any of the issues that come with it. My life is the most uneventful it’s ever been, and as a result, managing my chronic illness is the easiest it’s ever been.

Taking care of myself used to come second

Before the pandemic, I remember feeling like life just kept spinning faster, and my pain-ridden body was fighting to keep up. My school, work, and social obligations came first. Taking care of myself came second. I was pushing myself through levels of pain that I shouldn’t have. I was holding myself to an impossible standard and suffering the consequences. The mere thought of returning to that lifestyle makes me feel exhausted.

The noise is so much lower now. My calendar is bare. Instead of staggering from event to event and popping pain pills en route, I spend my days within the same four, quiet walls. When I need to exercise, I exercise. When I need to rest, I rest. My body thanks me for it.

I can’t say I won’t be seen at restaurant patios and parties when it’s safe again, because I’m really looking forward to that. But I hope that I’ll allow myself to rest, too. As difficult as this pandemic has been, I’ve learned the importance of slowing down and letting my chronic illness catch up.