Letting Go of What You Can't Control

The easiest and most logical thing in theory, and for me, incredibly difficult to put in practice.

I found the concept a bit tricky before I had AS. I found it extremely challenging when I was diagnosed with AS, letting go of my body and lifestyle as I had known it. Could I have prevented my AS? Was there a moment in time that I could rewind and re-do? My ability to ruminate is (unfortunately) like a finely honed skill.

And now in the time of COVID-19 and London lockdown, it has been a struggle.

I’ll start with the present times. I was EXCITED about 2020. Yes, caps lock excited.

I was feeling good

I was feeling stronger and more physically stable. For the last year and a half or so, I had been working hard with my physios on my knee and my whole body which had been knocked sideways, up and down by AS, and I was finally at the point where I could go to the gym and train consistently. My body being more constant made me feel more resilient, eased the fatigue and I felt so much better about myself.

I felt ready to throw myself (carefully!) back into building my career as a performer, which AS rudely interrupted pre-pandemic. We had a year crammed with travel plans and weddings of friends and family. And then in December, Kev (my boyfriend) proposed! Joy!

Then it changed

And then COVID began rampaging through the world and threw all our plans to the wind.

I began to berate myself for a variety of things. For all things career-related--for instance, not getting in just that bit more practice for my song reel, a project I’d been working on for nearly a year--then I could have recorded it before lockdown. In one fleeting--thankfully--moment of complete irrationality I felt frustrated that Kev hadn’t proposed a year earlier, then we could have squeezed in a wedding! A slippery slope. It wasn’t just about placing blame on myself--or misplacing it on Kev. My parents are in Australia, when would I next see them?

I was between feeling distraught at the thought of anything happening to them and guilty at not being with them. And when, as a high-risk person, could I feel safe again in "normal" life, or whatever the new normal would be? It all culminated in my longest flare, new symptoms, and a horrible panic attack.

It's been hard

Having to postpone our wedding and not knowing when I will see my parents has been a particularly hard pill to swallow. With my career on hold, at least I had the wedding to look forward to. A time when all my most cherished family and friends from different sides of the world could be together. But there really is nothing to be done, or that could’ve been done-–and besides, we want to be free to hug everyone on our big day!

Letting go of things beyond your control is hard. Keeping calm when being told to "just let it go," even more so. Kev now knows when the words are escaping his mouth to back away from me by a good few feet. It’s not a switch to be flipped on and off. But it does drain you of your energy and unnecessarily send your stress levels up.

Here are some of the things I do to help myself feel more at peace:

• Voice the frustration and loss.
• Can you do anything about this particular problem? If yes--great, go do it! If not, leave it for now, instead focus on something at hand that you can change. For example, my song reel project--I can’t open up the studio. I can be ready to go as soon as possible, so keep practicing--it might be even better with the added work!
• Give yourself some distance from the issue, so that you can find a bit more peace and perspective. I do this by distracting myself with a hobby--reading, playing the piano--and knitting being my newest flow activity. If possible--remove yourself from the space. A walk. A day trip. Time in nature. If you can, a little break away.
• Speak to a friend or family member--this has helped a lot, especially with our wedding. My bestie and bridesmaid Maria pointed out that the wedding isn’t being canceled. It’s going to happen at some point. Just like other events we all had planned pre-pandemic. So keep planning.

I hope that these might be of some use, and that you’ve given yourself permission to be kinder to your body and mind when things are beyond your control.