She's Battling Things Her Smile Will Never Share
When I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to grow up. I wanted it to happen so fast. I looked up to the older ones and wished for it to be me. Now I wish I could tell that little girl to slow down, take it easy, and enjoy every minute of it. Enjoy every little minute of being free and having no worries around you. Let yourself just be a little girl as long as you can, because before you know it, it can all change.
You can look at this girl now, that's not a little girl anymore. She is all grown up. She is married with 3 children. Already reached the age of 35 years old. She is happily married and would not change any of it. She loves her children to pieces and would do anything for them. But what you can't see is what her smile is not sharing. What her smile keeps on hiding. Would you see what this woman really feels on the inside? Would you really see what her smile is hiding? Would you see what she is battling day after day, just to continue on being the best that she can be?
Before this, she was worried
You would first look at her and see a women all dressed up with makeup, out and about. You would see her smiling. That beautiful smile on her face that's not sharing everything with the world. You would see her and it looks like she is having fun. Before all this, she was home. She was home worried how she would feel around people.
She was worried how she wouldn't be able to control her high anxiety, that was going on now for weeks, when finding out for this event. She was spending all this time trying to control it, for no one to notice what was really going on inside of her. The anxiety gets so high at times, it makes her feel like she is paralyzed. It makes her feel speechless. It makes her feel like she's looking for air and having a hard time breathing. At times, she can't feel her feel. At times, her feet start to feel heavy. All she really wants to do is crawl in a ball and go right back to bed.
She decides to hide everything inside
She decides that if she just says one word about how she really feels, she might look like a complainer. She is the kind of person that rather keeps it inside, and not ruin the time of others. This is where she wishes she stayed home and came up with an excuse she couldn't make it. But then if she did that and cancelled last minute, it would add to all the other times she wasn't able to make it again. It would look like she never ends up showing up for others. It would like she didn't want to come in the end. She has been down this road before. She has been here, where she stopped getting invited because she was never able to make it. Everyone around her, friends and family, would not bother any more inviting anymore, because they knew she would not show up.
The energy that this woman needs to keep fighting it all
Every day is like waking up in a battle field. She is trying to conquer everything going on in her chronic world. No day can be the same. Every day comes in different ways. At times, she is having high pain. At times, she is having high anxiety. At times, she is struggling with depression. At times, she is having a hard time sleeping. At times, she wakes up in the middle of the night silently crying because the pain gets too much. The fatigue that gets too much at times, no amount of rest can be enough. And at times, she is battling everything all at once. She keeps trying her best into making the best out her life.
She knows that she has to keep fighting. She knows how strong she has to be for herself and for her loved ones. But what she wishes everyone would see that she is living with more than just a disease. She wishes that the invisible would become visible for everyone to see around, how hard it really is.
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