Misdiagnosed As a Player

As someone with more than one chronic illness, I am no stranger to being misdiagnosed. It's usually by doctors attempting to find the latest reason for my misbehaving immune system. I certainly didn’t consider this would also become an issue in my dating life.

The problem is that behaviors associated with having a chronic illness can appear as "red flags" in dating by mainstream society. Here are some of the things I have done while dating due to my chronic illnesses, that have come across as "symptoms" of being a womanizer or playing games in a relationship.

Taking long to reply

I like to think of myself as a pretty talkative and social person. However, my condition does sometimes make this hard to do. Having a chronic condition is a full time job that requires a lot of time and energy. Typically, the only pay is the possibility of reduced pain.

I often find it hard to reply to messages as quickly as I would like. Some days I am even too fatigued to brave the thought of going on my phone. Other times, I am busy resting or practicing self-care to keep my conditions under control.

I have tried to resolve this issue by adding "reply to people" to my to-do list. Then, I message everyone back in bulk when I have the mental capacity to do so. But this hasn’t gone down very well with girls that I have dated. I have found that they usually have one of two reactions.

First, women I've tried to date have accused of not being interested. This is not the case at all. I would love to be able to reply instantly and keep conversations flowing with people that I am interested in dating. Sadly, my chronic illnesses get in the way of this.

Second, they assume that I’ve been up to no good in my absence. This is the most frustrating scenario. I barely have the energy to reply to a text, and I certainly don’t have the spoons for any misbehaving!

We live in a "now" culture where people expect everything instantly, including messages. Sadly, I can't always provide this, no matter how much I am interested in dating someone.

Not being able to go out

Those of us with chronic illnesses are no strangers to having a night in. More often than not, we don't chose to. No matter how desperate we might be to have a night out on the town, sometimes pain and fatigue scupper any hopes of doing this.

This makes arranging dates quite difficult. Our pain and fatigue levels can change in the blink of an eye. I have tried to plan elaborate dates outdoors when my fatigue and pain are at low levels, only to find that when that day arrives, my situation has changed completely and I am no longer capable of going through with it.

Then, some days I already know that my body is in no state to go out and do anything, so suggest a night in from the jump. The problem here is that despite how innocent the suggestion to stay in may be, people instantly misinterpret it as an invitation for a 'Netflix and Chill' session. 

I completely get that it gives the impression that I am simply after something physical, but the reality is that I am often only physically able to offer this setting as a compromise.

Not ready for a relationship

Around the time I was first diagnosed with AS, I reconnected with a girl I knew as a teenager. Despite experiencing an intense flare up and using crutches to get around, I was eager to see her.

I forced myself to hobble across town to meet for drinks. We hit it off instantly. After a few drinks and a lot of flirting, she asked me what I was looking for. I explained that I didn’t feel ready to start any kind of relationship at present but was very interested in getting to know her. The new diagnosis had affected me massively, both mentally and physically, and I wanted to address these issues before jumping into a relationship.

She seemed to be very understanding and agreed that she also wanted to get to know me more. This was music to my ears. We carried on talking and met up a few more times when I was capable of doing so.

High expectations

A couple of months later, we agreed to meet up again. I said I had a surprise for her. I hoped she wasn’t expecting an expensive gift as the months of unemployment due to my health problems meant that wasn't feasible. Instead, I turned up to see her without my walking aids and did a little dance to show off my newly functioning legs.

As the night progressed, she turned to me and asked, "Now you are off your crutches, shall we make this official?" I told her that, regrettably, getting off crutches was just the first step for me and I had a lot more to work on.

She didn’t understand that my condition was deeper than the physical part that she could see. My chronic illness had turned my entire life upside down. Although I was doing a lot better physically, I still had a lot more to figure out mentally to adjust to my new situation. 

She did not react to this well at all and didn't give me a chance to explain that there was more to my situation than met the eye.

I understand that she thought I was leading her on, but I genuinely wanted to pursue something with her. I just didn’t think it was fair to her to start dating while I was still coming to terms with my chronic illness.

At that time, I had lost my job due to my diagnosis and forced to move countries for treatment. I was not in a good place mentally or physically (despite not needing crutches anymore). Unfortunately, she didn’t want to hear this, so we went our separate ways.

Final thoughts

I don’t want this to scare any singletons with a chronic illness into thinking they are doomed into being forever alone. That certainly isn’t the case. Plenty of contributors are fellow AS warriors in successful relationships.

However, when dating someone with a chronic illness like AS, you should understand that their behavior might not be the same as the able bodied population. Do ask them about any "red flags" that you notice. You may find that you have jumped to the wrong conclusions and "misdiagnosed" their intentions or behavior. That being said, when someone has a chronic condition, they should be open and honest about their situation too.

Has your condition affected your dating life? Let me know in the comments.