The Fears of Calling in Sick

Today was my second day straight calling in sick at work. Hopefully, they will understand and it won’t put my job in jeopardy. I worry so much because of the past. My previous job, every time it came to not feeling well, calling in sick or I had to leave work early, you would definitely feel it from coworkers, or the bosses, like you did something wrong. They would make me feel like there was something wrong with me and that I was lying about not feeling well.

People's reactions hurt me

There would be times, I would be so afraid to show up at work, knowing the reactions of calling in sick or hearing their hurtful comments like: “When will you call in sick again?” “Will you show up tomorrow?” “She’s always calling in sick, often.” “Why would we give her the higher position? She always calls in sick.”

My illness is taking over, once again. Just when I think I have things under control, my illness just decides to not even knock on the door, walk in and take over my life. I am really hoping for this new job to really work out for myself and my future. I just want to feel normal. I just want to have a normal life.

I'm pushing through

It has been 6 weeks now, pushing through every single day. Through sleepless painful nights, and mornings where I can’t even open my eyes or sit long on the chair. But pushing my body more and more every day, has come to end, once again. Just like a car out of gas, this is how my body has been feeling again, bringing me back to laying in bed for a couple days.

I have fear of what will hold for me, on Monday returning back to work. Will they understand? I will just have to be honest and let them know I am having a bad flare, and my pains where out of control. I will let them know I needed to rest. It sounds so easy in my head. Hopefully, they will understand having a chronic illness, things can happen unexpectedly without warning. I pushed my body too much again.

I keep forgetting that my body can’t do things the way I am used to

I have a chronic illness and I can’t do things the same way anymore. Pushing my body and making it do things a chronically ill body can’t really do, sooner or later, it will not be able to function and run out of batteries.

It is a constant battle against yourself to be normal, to be productive, to be good at everything you once where, to be strong and act like it doesn’t bother you. It can be tiring wearing that mask day in and day out. As much as I fight so hard to be strong, sometimes I let my illness and emotions get the best of me. It breaks my heart every time, I end up back in bed for days. It’s exhausting, frustrating, and constantly on your mind. Every day is a surprise!

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