Using Spoons Wisely: Intentional Socializing

By Jamie Boder

2 min read

Early on in my journey of AS, I was trying to please everyone. Despite at the time struggling both physically and emotionally, I would suppress it and do everything I could to be out socializing and saying yes to everything.

Feelings of resentment

This eventually led to becoming resentful towards others and feeling like it was all too much. So instead of doing less, I did nothing at all. I withdrew socially and didn’t make much of an effort.

Luckily I soon learned that social connectedness is up there with being one of the most important factors when it comes down to our wellbeing. But this wasn’t just a theoretical understanding, I felt it. I was lonely.

Loneliness wasn't healthy for me

I now believe you can be the healthiest person on the planet but if you're lonely, you are not healthy. This creates a feeling of dis-ease and imbalance. So I began to rethink things. There were people whom I cared deeply about and loved spending time with; so how about starting with just seeing those people?

Nowadays, my AS is in a completely different place and I have recovered my life, but when I was starting on my journey, it would have been helpful to give this exact advice to myself.

Being "selfish" can lead to greater ease

The thing is, it might feel selfish at first, but in fact it is the opposite. Because when you prioritize seeing people that really mean a lot to you, the love and attention you provide is a lot higher and you show up present and engaged.

So this isn’t a blog to say stop seeing friends and family, actually the opposite. Say no in order to say yes. It is still important to allow for spontaneity and if you're feeling it, then go for it.

Saying "no" in order to say "yes"

But if you are feeling overwhelmed socially, it’s okay to say no. Say no with the knowledge that every "no" leads to a more important "yes."

Connecting with others is a birthright; but, saying yes to everyone and always socializing when you don’t want to is not.

Can anyone relate? In the comments, share a time that you've said "no" in order to say "yes," or share how you've created stronger boundaries while navigating an ankylosing spondylitis or axial spondyloarthritis diagnosis.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The AxialSpondyloarthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Rebecca C Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Jamie Boder" user-id="2107778"/> - I relate with this on such a grand level. I have been having such a hard time with resentment and jealousy, and as of late isolated to avoid dealing with it. I still mourn my old self and have been stuck there. Recently, after asking for help, I feel better and am coming out of the deep hole that I dug for myself. The anger about not being able to do much about having this incurable disease has dragged me pretty low, but I am realizing it's just no way to live. I want to be happy, have friends, and socialize. Made plans to travel 3 times this year - so we will see how it goes. I am focusing on myself, saying no to things I cannot take on, and being "selfish" for once. Thanks for sharing this great article with the community - refreshing. Rebecca (comm advc)
Lisa Marie Basile Moderator & Contributor
Thanks for capturing the nuance of this disease and how it impacts us socially. Withdrawing is not an answer for me. But neither is doing so much that I kill myself/ Out with friends, I have to say, "we need to sit," or "I can't keep walking." Some days I just have to say no altogether. I capitalize on my energy. It's a balancing act. I hope you're doing ok and being kind to yourself.
1. Rebecca C Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Lisa Marie Basile" user-id="2108259"/> - advocating for our needs is essential. When we can no longer walk bc of the pain, its important not to push through. Dealt with this day out and about with my daughter. I always notice where the chairs and lawn furniture are. If she can't find me in the store, she knows to look there. Funny but not funny. Hoping you are doing just fine these days. The balancing act is rough. Rebecca (comm advc)
James Hollens Moderator & Contributor
Hi <inline-mention username="Jamie Boder" user-id="2107778"/> , This article really resonated with me! Prior to my diagnosis I was always the guy who would say no to pretty much any plan going. Which made it harder when I got my condition to turn down invites as people were kind of expecting me to keep that same energy! But it is so important to put our body first and there is no shame in turning things down to prioritise our own health. I've had conversations with my friends and family about how I sometimes need to do this and most have been really understanding, and the ones that weren't I no longer bother with! Thanks for a great read, James (Community Member)
1. Lisa Marie Basile Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="James Hollens" user-id="2107776"/> Wow, I so relate here. I used to do everything. Looking back, I don't even recognize her anymore. Which is wild. But you're right —gotta put yourself first and accept change. We aren't static. Hope you're feeling alright!