A Letter to my AS 

It’s one of those days, one of those days where the pain and fatigue to take over. Standing is too difficult. The fatigue makes me dizzy and the pain, well it’s a pain. A big, big pain.

Today, I have decided to personify my AS. Today, I name you Drewcilla. Hopefully no one reading this is named Drewcilla. If your name is Drewcilla, I am sorry lol.

Dear Drewcilla,

Drewcilla, you have turned my life upside down...and not for the better.

It feels like you have twisted my spine and cut my tailbone in half, leaving a very pointy sharp edge that digs into me, constantly. It feels like you are treating my back like a punching bag.

You have haunted my body... and my mind.

You have robbed me of all of my energy. You have robbed me of "the best years of my life." You have robbed me of simple everyday tasks.

Why did you have to come into my body and do this to me? Drewcilla, please go away, or at least take a long-term holiday.

Why do you have to cause all this pain? Please rest.

I want a break, don’t you? You have been attacking my body 24/7 for over a year now. How are you not tired yet? I wish I had your energy and determination. You never give up, you never even take a break. Your determination and evilness tires me out!

Drewcilla, it’s not just my "best years" you have robbed. You have robbed me of myself. You have robbed my confidence. You have caused me anxiety. I now have fears that I never had before. I now have fears about leaving my house. You can read all about my fears in my article "The Inconsistency of My Illness Causes me Fear."

You have robbed me of fun.

You have robbed me of the life I thought I was going to have.

I try to fight you on this one but, sometimes you rob me of my happiness. Drewcilla sometimes you make me so sad, so mad and sometimes, just sometimes, you make me feel empty. Never have I ever felt so fed up. And that’s because of you, Drewcilla.

You’ve robbed me of a job. I used to love working and earning money. So, thanks Drewcilla for adding another stress to my life, money.

Drewcilla, it looks you’re here to stay so would it not make both of our lives easier if we just got on? Help each other out maybe? Instead of trying to ruin my life. I will not let you ruin my life. I will keep fighting no matter how tired I get. But come on, give me a break eh?

Drewcilla, you are not kind. You are attacking my whole immune system. That's not nice.

It's always your way or no way Drewcilla. I do something that you don't like and oh how you make me regret it. Be fair!

It's very unkind when you play tricks on me. I wake up feeling good, I take advantage of feeling good and BAM! Your back, back with a vengeance.

Drewcillia, I think we have a toxic relationship.

But,

Drewcilla, I want to say thank you. Although you have robbed me of so many things, you have also given me a lot.

Keep your eyes peeled for my next article about Drewcilla and how she changed my life for the better.

Have you ever personified your illness?

I found this very therapeutic and it made me realize that even though I have this illness, I am not Drewcillia. I am not my illness. My illness and I are separate. We are two different people.

Drewcillia, be my friend.