Coming Back Home to Myself

I am making more space for things that are good for me. I am temporarily separating myself from the ideology of productivity so that I can redefine what it means to me. I am giving myself the time and patience to tap back into my spirituality and allowing that to help me navigate through these difficult times.

Stress consumed me

I have spent so much of this last year fighting back—fighting against my own body, trying to create some “normalcy” in my life whilst struggling with my illness. I put so much pressure on myself, clinging onto anything that illness hadn’t tainted until eventually, it did. That attachment was so deeply ingrained that I felt like I had lost everything. I felt that if I couldn’t be chasing my dreams at the speed I was so accustomed to, what was the point of anything? Stress consumed me. It clouded my judgements but most significantly my faith in the Universe.

I can't pour from an empty cup

If this year has taught me anything it is that despite my greatest efforts, the things in which I want to achieve cannot be rushed or forced. I tried pouring from an empty cup and this only left me feeling bitter and thinking negatively about myself. I spent every day from dusk until dawn trying to fill this void with a false sense of productivity and a misunderstanding of my own desires. I wanted to feel a sense of success.

But my vision of success had been painted by the hands of someone else. It wasn’t something that I knew aligned with who I am or my circumstances. When I look around me, those who have found great success have all obtained this tangible thing: an abundance of money, a diploma, a job. These are things I know did not align with me or were not realistic to obtain in my current state. I was holding myself up to impossible standards-—a standard that was creating a disconnect between me and happiness. I knew that for me, success would be finding happiness within myself again and making that my priority alongside my health.

It's time to slow down

I now see that I have strayed so far from what I believe in, including myself, through the trials and tribulations of this year. I have fought so hard to keep what I once had, or who I once was, that I have lost the ability to be gentle with myself and freely ease into the changes that were surrounding me. I have reached the point of that exact realization: it’s time to slow down. One step at a time. One breath at a time.

I am finally seeing the trees for the leaves. Seeing this year for what it is, and what I am to make of it. I am finally taking myself away from the wheel and allowing myself the freedom to sit in the passenger seat while I watch life unfold as it should. Whatever happens will happen. It’s time to rebuild that connection with myself. It’s time to nurture my soul and reconnect with the Universe-—to come back home to myself.