Where Is My Energy When I Need it the Most?

Energy is what we need to keep going. Energy is what we need to feel good. Energy is what we need for our day to be productive. Energy is what we need for everything.

It’s Sunday morning and I woke up struggling

I am struggling to find energy to get out of bed. I am struggling to find energy to get up, wash my face, and brush my teeth. Struggling to find the energy to start off my day. What feels like it can be done in seconds, today it feels like it will take forever. Things are feeling impossible.

It’s 9am. I tried to get up and move around. Took a warm shower to help the stiffness and pain, but ended back in bed. Just by doing that I felt wiped out. I started to feel worried. I started to think: what did I do wrong? Did I do too much yesterday? Did I eat the wrong thing? Why is this happening to me again?

These thoughts never get old. As much as I feel like I got this, as much as I feel I don't.

The guilt

Almost lunch time, my little one comes home crying through the door, after soccer practice saying, “I am hungry.” The guilt of still being in bed cripples me and makes me feel more guilty than I already do. I feel like I am not doing anything. I feel like I am just failing.

I use whatever energy I have to make breakfast for the family. I pushed through every bit of energy I had. I got to make it a little extra today by making scrabbled eggs with crumbled Greek crumbled feta cheese. Once we are done eating, it’s clean up time. I start to feel unwell. I start to feel increased fatigue. I start to get dizzy with a headache. To be honest this has been my usual kind of day. My usual way of feeling.

I had plans

I wanted to go get some groceries. I wanted to take the kids school shopping and stop at a restaurant called Scores for some lunch and family time. But my body was telling me otherwise on what it needed. I ended up listening to my body and going straight to bed to rest.

Energy is what I needed, and energy is what I don't have anymore

When I don't have enough energy, I start to feel unwell, making me have high chances of increased flares. I feel like I am always trying to push through with a body that is running out of fuel all the time. Like all the time and often. It brings me down when I feel this way. Because this is not what I want to do. It doesn't only put me down, but my whole family. Having to explain to them I am not feeling well once again and have to cancel plans breaks my heart every time.

Days like this is when plans end up changing. It’s when plans have to be cancelled, put aside, and I have to put my body first. It’s all about prioritizing what is important to keep my self sane. I try my best to not let the feelings take over. Feelings I have are anxiety, depression, guilt, anger and alone.

I decide to take the rest of the Sunday afternoon to do low key things

Some self care to bring my mood up. Days like this, I like to watch movies or some Netflix shows that makes me feel good, or even give a laugh. I like to take a warm bath with some relaxing music. I then try to journal down everything I am feeling, and do some moderation on AnkylosingSpondylitis.net.

Dinner tonight will be take out. This is another thing I stopped feeling guilty about. Ordering out! I need all the energy today I can get. Cooking will need lots of it. Today will not be that day.

Nothing wrong with taking a day, or two, or more, to do what you need to do to be okay. Today was one of those days. A very relaxing and resting day with lots of self care. Days like this is where you need more love, support, and lots of self care. I try and let my husband know today is one of those days. I need him the most.

This not how I wanted today to be. I had other plans. All I kept thinking was where are you energy when I need you the most? It is what it is and that’s okay. Sometimes you can do everything right and still end up in the same position with having a chronic illness. It's what I like to call the unpredictable. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day. Hoping with all the rest and self care done today, it will help give my body the energy it needs for a better and more productive day, tomorrow.