Tips for Parents with a Newborn

By Auldyn Matthews

3 min read

I'm sitting on my bed as I begin this article. Next to me is Keegan (my husband with AS) and my 8-week-old son, Elijah. We welcomed him in November 2020 as the fourth member of our family. If there's anything that causes stress, it's having a toddler and newborn. Keegan has adapted well, but having a parent with AS poses its own unique set of challenges. And as I look back over the last 2 months, I have some advice and takeaways for other parents with AS and a newborn.

Surrender to the chaos

This is much easier than it sounds, but do it if you can. Or find ways to surrender. Say some affirmations in the morning or do a 5-minute meditation. (I often do mine while nursing.) Trying to control life in the first few weeks of having a newborn is just asking for more stress. And for Keegan, that means more pain and fatigue. As his partner, I also have to be okay with not knowing what the day will be like for Keegan and how much I'll need to cover for him.

This also means being candid with your partner. Do you need a nap? Need to take some meds? Need to contact your rheumatologist to get you through the flare-up that this phase is bound to bring? Whatever it is, ask for what you need, because without giving yourself some care it's impossible to take care of your family.

Find ways to bring routine back into your day

This one takes a while--we're just now at 8 weeks finding this a key part of feeling "normal" again. Keegan started by getting up at 7 am every day no matter what. He gets ready, brushes his teeth, and makes coffee. While 7 am may not sound early to some, it is with a night full of feedings and diaper changes. For me, routine helps me feel like the world will be okay. Even if it's a rough day, I know what tomorrow will probably look like. What tasks I need to do. When I can get a break for myself.

Hack together things, people, places to get through the day

Keegan and I budget every month and let me tell you, we eat out a lot now. And we go to Trader Joe’s much more frequently to get frozen meals. We just hack together what we can to get through some days. And I don’t think new parents are surprised by this recommendation, but it’s key to surviving if AS is in the mix. Here are some of our go-to's:

Instacart to order groceries for the week.
Take out from places that give us leftovers.
Buy some relaxing candles, Epsom salt, and give the other person time for a nice bath.
If financially possible, get some baby swag that can help, like a bouncer, swing, light up toys, etc.
Go to a consignment shop to save money.
Find friends/family/things that take chores off your plate. (We got a dishwasher finally thanks to my grandparents. My mom got us a lighter vacuum.)

You will sleep again and your flare-up will be over in time

The good news is that all this won’t last forever. While Keegan suffers from chronic pain, his flare-ups eventually go away even if they are months long. It’s important to remember during high emotions that the struggles are impermanent.

(I’m telling myself this as I rock my baby and hope I can move him into the bassinet.)

If you’ve gone through AS and raising kids we’d love to hear from you. What tips do you have? Words of encouragement? Helpful advice?

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The AxialSpondyloarthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Lawrence Rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 i did not have to learn to manage a new born and AS or RA. So what I have to say lends itself more to the older child. In that regard i have one simple bit of advice. Be honest. I never hid form my sons what was going on or what the fears of Sheryl and I were. We usually waited for them to ask but we encouraged them to ask. Then once a question is asked I try to answer honestly. I believe that doing this has lessened fear and anxiety in our kids. rick - moderator 
1. Auldyn Matthews Moderator & Contributor
 I love love love this. We’ve already started reaching our daughter that dad sometimes needs a break and needs taken care of. She’s picked it up so well.
healthyas Member
Hi Auldyn, thanks for sharing this. Indeed, this is such a challenging moment, especially with the world upside down as it is, adding to the fear and anxiety that we all go through sometimes. All of last year I was flaring intensively, and practically not sleeping at all, having given birth at the end of 2019, my inflammation was kicking in seemingly to make up for the remission during pregnancy. I had a newborn to care for, a six year old at home and was returning to work post-maternity leave. In the midst of the pandemic and very, very strong activity of this disease. Basically, I didn't sleep at all. Lost a ton of weight. And breastfed more than I should have, probably (given I have very low bone mass). Hot showers or baths did little to help. Exercise or none, either. What really did make a difference for me was eating less pasta. I didn't know then about the low starch diet, but that would have definitely helped with my flares. And of course, focusing on that little, beautiful and healthy bundle that is a pure blessing! 
1. Auldyn Matthews Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="jpjp" user-id="2386581"/> All I can say is wow. You are incredible. I cannot imagine adding in AS on top of everything else. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you get through the rough days? I’m struggling as well as my husband. 
2. healthyas Member
 <inline-mention username="Auldyn Matthews-McGee" user-id="2379466"/>, we have help. My mom is always around and my six year old is precious, always attentive to my asks to dress me, pick something up for me - or watch her brother. 😀 But yes, so rough! Thank you for your kind words!