"It’s Not the Blender": Being Pro-Active vs. Reactive to my AS

It was December last year, as I slumped on our bedroom floor, having my suddenly burst into tears about having to carry a blender home (stick with me, there’s a back story!) that my boyfriend, Kev, spoke to me about trying to be pro-active and reactive to manage my AS. Kev explained that being pro-active meant doing things, within my control to help manage my AS. (For me, that’s exercise, trying to eat well, stretching, finding ways to calm my mind.) And then being reactive to a situation when it called for it. For example, when you’re fatigued, take it easy; don’t try and push through, react to what your body is telling you. Which is what I should have done that day.

It was a super busy time

It was Christmas, which is always a busy (crazy) time. I had been making a conscious effort to pace myself this year; as a lover of Christmas, I usually try and do everything possible – all the lights/carols/shopping/baking – but last year was my first Christmas with AS, and in trying to all I used to do - I crashed and burned. But we were leaving to spend Christmas in Ireland with Kev’s family, I hadn’t finished all the present shopping that I had wanted to do, so that weekend I was in power present shopping mode. By the end of the day, it was cold. It was raining.  And I was struggling to lug around a heavy blender in an extremely large box. (To this day I don’t understand why the box was so BIG, and why was it 10 kilos?!)

I stopped several times on the way home because I could barely get a grip on the box. The less than 10-minute walk home from the tube station seemed to last for half an hour. When I finally made it home, I put the shopping down - and that infernal blender - and just started crying. Properly crying-verging-on-wailing. I didn’t really know why. Kev came into our bedroom to find me sitting on floor, head on my knees, balling my eyes out. As he comforted me I blurted out "Why am I crying over a blender?!"

"It’s not the blender. You’re overwhelmed and exhausted," he replied.

It was so simple: I was doing too much

It was so simple, and made absolute sense. All the confusion about why I was feeling so ridiculous cleared at once from his calm statement. Yes, I may have been getting better at pacing myself, but I had still gotten carried away by the season and hadn’t listened carefully to my body. I should have called Kev to help me carry the shopping home (indeed I did get a "Why didn’t you call me to come help you?" from him.) Maybe even treated myself to an Uber. That day I should have reacted to my feeling exhausted.

Being Pro-Active and Reactive. It’s a phrase and mantra, which I think of all the time. In this strange lockdown reality, I’ve found it even more helpful. I’m not in my normal routine, this is a new situation – how does that affect my AS? How will my management of my condition change? What can I be pro-active about?

Do you have a mantra or a phrase that helps you manage your condition or check in with your body?