I Decided to Reclaim my Body

Something that I’m sure is common with many of us ASers is that we aren’t happy with our bodies. It’s reasonable…I mean, our bodies do actively work against us every single day. I spent a good period of time after my diagnosis being angry with my body. Recently though, I decided I wanted to reclaim my body and start to love it. Here’s how and why I did it.

How it started

Being in constant pain doesn’t exactly make you the happiest person. In fact, it can make you quite miserable. If you don’t have AS or another chronic pain condition, just imagine everything you do causing you pain. Imagine not being able to sleep, walk, shower, lie down, sit down, stand, or do just about anything without being in pain. Not great, right?

It’s totally understandable and valid to be mad at your body for causing you so much stress and discomfort. No matter how long you’ve had your condition for, it gets old pretty fast. We want nothing more than to live a “normal” life with no pain.

The mental side of things

This disease affects your mental health greatly. It can change your entire life and send you down a path you never wanted and never knew existed. Not being able to do what you used to be able to do takes a huge toll on your mind over time.

You start to miss your old life and hate the new life you’ve been thrown into unwillingly. Everything hurts, you have weird side effects, you’re tired all of the time, nothing is enjoyable… etc. After a while, your mindset starts to change and it’s hard to think positively about anything in your life, most importantly your illness.

Why I decided to change

Even before my diagnosis of AS, I wasn’t a huge fan of my body. I never really have been. Getting AS and experiencing chronic pain was sort of the cherry on top of my body-hatred cake. I was angry at myself all the time. I would ask questions like “why me?” and “what did I do to deserve this?” The thing is, it could be anyone at any time, and I did nothing to warrant this happening to me.

I’ve been through a lot of therapy that has helped me realize my self-worth and look inward in the past year. I’ve started to understand that I’m only on this earth for a set amount of time, and making sure I’m happy while I’m here is very important to me.

Sure, I’ve been dealt a pretty crappy hand. But it’s what I do with that hand that really counts. What I do to make this all seem worth it. I don’t want to be miserable forever and hate my body when instead I could actually just love it for what it does for me, and for what it’s given me.

What I’ve done to change my mindset

As I said, I’ve focused a lot on myself and self-care in the past year or so. I always thought I was good at self-care, but I didn’t really know what self-love and self-care looked like for me.

For me, that looked like journaling, yoga, lots of baths, and time alone. I’ve also focused on what this illness has given me in the past 3 years, which has been many new friends and opportunities to support me during this difficult time of my life.

I make sure to sit back and think of all of the things in my life that make me happy. Who I surround myself with is important too. Sure, I still go through some hardships here and there, but it’s much easier knowing that my body is always here to support me, and so are my friends and family, both online and in person.