How AS Helped Me Rebuild My Relationship with Myself

My 25th birthday just passed this month. Due to the pandemic and the state of my health, there wasn’t much to celebrate, but it also dawned on me that I have now had AS for 16 years—oh how time flies. I took some time to reflect on this. I’ve spent more of my life sick than I have been healthy at this point. For a long time, I believed that it has robbed me of my self-exploration, when in fact it has actually done the opposite. Despite it altering my life in ways I never anticipated, it’s helped me see my life through a different lens and become more in touch with what I value.

I learned how important self-love is

My whole life I’ve struggled with self-confidence and crippling anxiety. I always worried about how people perceived me, what I looked like, and if I was going to end up alone because of my illness. At one point I had been dating someone who was feeding into these negative thoughts because he never wanted to discuss it. After leaving that relationship and then falling very ill a couple of years later, I had lots of time to heal those wounds and really consider what I thought of myself. It was through this that I learned how important it was to me that I love myself and how much I value my own perspective.

I learned the importance of presence

Anyone who struggles with fatigue knows how difficult it can be to balance our responsibilities, family, social life, and our health. It’s nearly impossible. Because of this, I’ve lost a lot of time with the ones that I love. Even outside of this pandemic, I just don’t have the energy to see my friends and family as often as I’d like. This is how I learned how much I value being present. In those moments I do finally get to spend time with those people, I try to soak in every second. I also learned that it is of huge value to me for presence to be reciprocated.

I rediscovered my love for creativity

Whether it’s been because of a bad flare, brain fog, or fatigue, I’ve had a lot of down time. As intimidating as it can be to spend so much time alone, I’ve found it’s through boredom where we learn the most about ourselves. I learned what I find myself naturally gravitating to, what piques my interest, and where my mind wanders off to. As a kid, I had a profound love for writing and art. Having lots of downtime because of my AS, I got to rediscover how much I cherish creativity and the place it holds in my life.

I often grow frustrated as I quietly observe healthy people just watch opportunities pass them by, or complain about the smallest inconveniences. In our shoes, we’ll take anything we can get. I think this is something that every chronically ill person can attest to—you learn to appreciate the little things. After 16 years of illness, above all else, I’ve learned that AS has helped me build a strong relationship with myself.