New Year's Resolution: AxSpA Edition

My resolution this year is two-fold: to be kinder to myself and let go of expectations.

Oftentimes I am very hard on myself. This was true before I got AS too. However, it worsens the mental distress that comes with chronic illness and its unpredictability.

Living with AS sucks. Yeah, you might get more used to it but you never really get used to how painful and uncomfortable the symptoms are. Sometimes I lose sight of how deeply AS affects my life. This is especially true during the school year when I end up feeling most like a "normal" young person. I beat myself up for not keeping up with my healthy and able-bodied peers but forget that they do not have the same limitations I have.

I'm doing my best

AS is a chronic progressive disease and I need to remind myself that I'm doing my best to enjoy my life with this condition. In 2022, I will try to remember that I am constantly going through a lot, both physically and mentally, and need to cut myself some slack.

I will be kinder to myself because I have to put up with a lot. Not only the physical limitations and manifestations of AS (and other chronic illnesses) but also the systemic barriers that make it hard to access the world as a disabled person.

Being kinder to myself also means letting go of expectations. I cannot expect myself to keep pace with my able-bodied peers. I also cannot expect to work the same as someone who does not have a disability.

Struggling is okay

Another thing that I aspire to do is let go of my ideal of disease management. If I am struggling to cope with my illnesses, that is okay. AS is so unpredictable. Any little thing can trigger a flare-up. Symptoms come and go and there are only so many preventive measures I can take. I also have comorbidities, other health conditions, mental illnesses, and am a human being with emotions.

There is no perfect way to handle AS, especially as it can look different from person to person. As long as I try my best while honoring my limitations and incorporating pacing techniques, I've done all I can and need to be content with that.

In the past, I've made unrealistic and harmful resolutions for my health. For example, I'd say that I would exercise regularly when that is quite difficult for me with AS. I've also said I would stop taking pain meds so I don't become reliant on them. Other years I tried to avoid this mistake by not having a resolution at all. That is perfectly fine but made me feel kind of hopeless about my health.

So this year, I am setting a realistic, reasonable, and personal resolution that feels like the right decision. So here's to 2022 and practicing self-kindness and no expectations, but still trying my best.