How Seeing My Symptoms Differently Changed Everything
I remember when I found out I had an autoimmune disease. Learning my body had begun to attack itself was a strange moment for me. I couldn’t get a particular thought out of my head - I had literally become my own worst enemy.
The sense of betrayal was immense. This body I had fed, nurtured, and carried around with me since birth had turned on me for no good reason. Corrupted code hidden in my DNA was re-programming my entire system, flooding it with pain, robbing me of rest, and jeopardizing any chance at the future I’d mapped out for myself.
My illness was my enemy
I would look down at myself in the shower and think about this enemy force battling away silently within me, invisible to the outside world but my constant companion. I wished many times that I could exchange my physical body for something that didn’t hurt, something that hadn’t turned on me.
A shift in perspective
One day I came across an article that spoke differently about symptoms. Instead of viewing them as random, meaningless attacks, this author saw pain and inflammation as emergency warning lights on the dashboard. They spoke of their body with a tenderness and compassion that I’d long forgotten in relation to mine. I began to consider how disconnected I’d felt to my body, how much I’d hated it. It felt like something I wanted to change.
In the months that followed I determined to educate myself more about what was actually going on in my body. I read about the purpose of pain, and reconsidered that had my joints not been causing me such agony I may never have known the bones in those areas were beginning to change. The unrelenting message from my body that something was wrong had kept me searching for answers and eventually resulted in a diagnosis.
My body is trying to protect me
I learned that inflammation is not just a pointless process but a protective measure on the part of the human body, sending additional blood flow to a site of trauma in an effort to promote healing. I pictured my body trapped in a cycle of confusion, trying desperately to repair itself even though its efforts were futile thanks to AS.
I started to think differently about the messages my broken physical self was sending over and over. Was it possible to love a body that had turned on me? It was still able to do so much for me in spite of the pain. It was blameless for the genes it had inherited and the environmental triggers I had unknowingly exposed it to. It was no more the cause of this disease than my mind or my soul - we were all just parts of the same whole that had been dealt a lousy hand.
Symptoms as love letters
I began looking at symptoms differently. What if symptoms weren’t hate mail from my body, but love letters instead? Messages filled with information that steered me towards the next step. The ache that radiated down into my legs overnight told me that my muscles needed stretching. The digestive distress that plagued me told me that my gut was inflamed and led me to change up my diet and medication regime. The stiffness in my neck alerted me to try a new pillow and spend less time hunched over my computer. The more I listened the more I learned and the more I was able to start trusting my body once again.
Together my body and I share an inner wisdom. We’ve been on an interesting journey together since my diagnosis, and I’ve learned more about my health than I ever would’ve imagined. I’ve learned to listen to the feedback my body’s symptoms provide and this has become the most valuable tool available to me in determining which next step to take as I manage my AS.
Join the conversation