My Balance Between Self-Discipline and Self-Deprecation

There is a very fine line between having good self-discipline and striving to live a perfect life. Towing that line has had a profound impact on my mental health and self-worth.

For much of this year, I have put unfair expectations on myself, trying to manage to live with AxSpA and it has caused unnecessary mental anguish.

Living with this disease is hard enough in itself, I don’t need to make it harder for myself by setting unrealistic expectations. To err is human, so I shouldn’t expect myself to be perfect.

I have not been one to struggle with self-confidence, self-love or self-worth. In fact, the word cocky would have been a more common descriptor for a young Jamie.

That changed when pain began to impact my ability to live my life as I knew it

I went from being an athlete to an unintended couch potato. Brain fog turned my sharp and loud personality with a propensity for attention to detail into a quiet, forgetful, and clumsy guy. The most frustrating part was the shift from being quick-witted to speechless and unable to think of simple words.

I had to adapt myself to my new situation, and truth be told I’m still struggling to adapt. In many aspects, I have found strategies to be able to live my life as I did before my diagnosis, but it has come at a cost.

My self discipline in my daily life impacts everything I do

My diet needs to be extremely dialed in, every slip results in feeling worse. When I exercise, I need to have a thorough warmup and cool down to keep my body moving properly. When I don’t, it hurts. The mental hurdle for me is realizing everyone slips and that’s okay.

I had set personal expectations earlier this year which, in retrospect, were unattainable. I would inevitably make a mistake at some point and really get down on myself for it.

The harshness I was treating myself was augmenting my problems. I would have a flare, as one will experience living with AxSpA, and blame myself for it. I would spiral into a depressive episode to go along with the flare, finding myself in a very low place.

For me, depression goes hand in hand with pain. Often it can happen on the turn of a dime and really put a damper on my day. My attitude and approach created by my unrealistic expectations were simply making it worse.

So, I have been developing some new coping mechanisms

Firstly, I am trying to be self-forgiving. AxSpA is unpredictable and no matter how hard I try to live a healthy lifestyle, symptoms will find ways to try and bring me down. It’s not my fault.

I have shifted my attitude from perfection to improvement.

Instead of getting down on myself, I try to acknowledge the mistakes and try to learn from them as I grow in managing to live with AxSpA. Doing that thing yesterday really made me feel crappy today, so I should try and avoid doing said thing moving forward.

When I slip in my self-discipline, I allow myself to make the mistakes.

Secondly, I have started using a new motto to better stay in the present: always forward, never back. I can’t go back and change the decisions I made yesterday, so there is no point in dwelling on it. What is done is done. I can only control what I do next.

I stole it from a TV show because it really hit home - bonus points if anyone recognizes the series.

Thirdly, I am learning to tailor my personal expectations to how I’m feeling on any given day.
When I’m feeling unwell the expectations can’t be the same as my best days. That is not feasible. The change in perspective has really helped my mental health when the pain spikes.