Toxic Positivity

I would consider myself quite a positive person. I always try and stay positive. When I'm feeling sad or down, I think ok I just need to be positive. I try to block out any negative emotions.

It's an Irish thing

Even before I was sick I would do this. I think this is an Irish thing, to think: "Ah sure it will be grand." Something bad may happen and I would block out my feelings and pretend that everything is or will be ok. I like being positive, but I have learnt that it's not healthy to be positive all of this time. It's healthier to feel and deal with your emotions.

I have this lifelong illness with no cure. I've to take all these tablets every day. I’ve to inject myself every two weeks, get bloods done regularly. Go to doctor's appointments regularly.

I often wake up stiff and in absolute agony. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept in days. I go to sleep in pain. My life is a combination of being in pain and being really damn tired.

I have intense chronic spasms, I am never not in pain.

I’m 23 years old. I have, like I said above, a lifelong illness with no cure. I am immunocompromised and I am absolutely terrified of getting sick.

Because of my illness, I have had to change my career choice. I have worries about the now, I have worries about the future. But, in my head, I need to stay positive. I always thought this was a good thing. But I was wrong.

Being true to myself

In my opinion, being positive about everything I mentioned above is a lie and toxic. By trying to stay positive all of the time, it makes me feel disappointed for not being actually positive about my life.

I’m not saying I am or should be depressed. And I’m not saying that my life is over because of my illness. But I don’t need to pretend to myself to be positive and happy all the time. I used to feel bad about feeling bad.  Now, I feel what I feel. I don’t pretend, I don’t hide my emotions or lie to myself.

Toxic positivity doesn't help my chronic illness

It’s ok that some days I feel sad that I have this condition. It’s ok that I get angry and frustrated at the fact that my own body is attacking itself. It’s ok that I get upset that I’m not living the same life as my friends are. That I miss out on things. That I’m too fatigued to meet people. That I must cancel. The list goes on.

But the point that I’m trying to get across is that its ok to feel however you feel.  You can’t control your emotions, but you can control how you react to them. So, this is how I react to them. I feel every emotion. There is a lot of learning in this, I learnt that by feeling your emotions and not avoiding them actually makes you feel stronger.