If I Can Turn Back Time

Every day, I wake up hoping today will be a different day. Hoping that today, will be a better day, then the day before. But once I open my eye and start to feel all the pain, in every part of my body, that's when I know today won't be a better day.

Do you ever wish you can turn back time? I do sometimes. I wish I can turn back time, where I can tell myself to slow down and enjoy every minute of the pain free days. I wish I can turn back time and tell myself so many things, that I have learned now. Things as to have more patience with myself, to be more kind, have more acceptance and to love all of myself just the way I was. Back then, I had a hard time loving my body. I was putting pressure to be thin or a certain size. I was putting pressure to follow an unhealthy diet or follow a strict regime. If I can just take a step back and tell myself to stop treating my body so harsh, maybe things would of been different now.

If I can turn back time, and just feel the freedom of no pain. Ahh!! Just to feel the pain free days, just for a couple days again. A wish come true. Wouldn’t that be amazing feeling. The freedom of waking up in the morning, with no worries on how to get through the day without so many symptoms. The no more worries of the hows, like getting dressed, getting the cleaning and cooking done. The worries of how to show up to your daily responsibilities without being in pain. Feeling the excitement of getting out, into the world again, with a smile of freedom like you can conquer the world without setbacks.

I miss so many things. If I can turn back time, it would be to bring me back to all the precious moments that put a smile on my face. What would I do just to feel those moments, once again. The moments where I was able to do a whole birthday party for my kids without the big struggle and anxiety, on how to do it. I remember being able to plan weeks before the event, with shopping for decorations, prepping and cooking the food hours on my feet. I was even able to bake my own desserts, as it was my passion. I would invite the whole family, even friends without thinking about it twice. The house would be filled with around 30 people, cousins, aunts and uncles. I really miss that. As the time has gone by, it has changed so much.

Do you have moments you miss so much and think about often? I do. I think about how I was able to do more things with my children, like take them to the park, spend the whole day out. Now when they ask me mommy can we go out for a bit? I have to think about it ,as it’s a big decision making. They usually know my answer as it’s on repeat. "We will see”. Because I never know how I will feel. It disappoints me every time seeing their faces, when I am not able to do things as I would like to. This is when I wish t turn back time, and go back to one of our all inclusive trips down south. Where we had the best times all together.

If I can turn back time one more time, I would take myself back to all the happy times. The times where I didn't have to worry about making another doctor appointment. The times where I wouldn’t have to worry about if tomorrow will be another bad day.