I Have No Clue What I’m Doing with My Life

I know, I know-—none of us really know what we’re doing with our lives. The majority of the world is just fumbling around hoping that everything works out for the better. However living with a chronic illness, especially being in the worst condition I have ever been in the last 16 years, it has changed everything for me.

I constantly feel like I’m not moving forward

This time last year I tried to go back to college. I wasn’t doing well with my health, but I wanted to give myself a challenge and try my damn best to work towards pursuing, well, anything. I learned the hard way that it wasn’t something I could sustain long term with the current condition of my health, so after about 6 or 7 months I made the decision to drop out.

Now a year has flown by somehow, and I find myself wondering “Will I ever go back to school?”, or “Am I ever going to be able to make something of myself?” In reality, I know someday, I’ll have some sort of career. But two years of my life and gone in the blink of an eye, spending almost entirely every single day in the confines of my home. Yet I’m still in the same place I was two years ago—if anything, I feel like I’ve moved even further back.

I feel like anything I’ve wanted out of life, I can’t achieve anymore

The idea that the state of my health may be forever terrifies me because, almost all of the dreams that I have would be now impossible. As of right now, I can barely keep up with writing this article. I haven’t been able to pursue any of my dreams or goals. Everything in my life has been put on pause. So how am I supposed to move forward if where I currently am is all I can handle? It feels like I’m being forced to reevaluate what’s actually possible for me-—like I have to sacrifice everything I want for merely what I can handle.

I’ve lost whatever path I thought I was following

For years now, I had a set plan in my head. Not so permanent that I couldn’t naturally ebb and flow through the curveballs life threw at me, but I at least knew what paths laid ahead of me. Once I got this sick, I lost my way and became directionless. There is so much I want to do, so much that I want to accomplish, and so many roads I want to travel down. Now those roads have been blocked off and I have no way out. I’m trapped.

Where do I go from here?

What does success even mean for me anymore? What do I want from life if what I really want is no longer attainable? How am I going to financially provide for myself? I’m sure some day I will find out. But for now, I feel perplexed and motionless. If you too feel this way, I am so sorry. Just know that both you and I can at least find comfort in knowing we are not going through this alone.

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