What Ifs

With something like ankylosing spondylitis, there are so many physical effects of the condition that it’s sometimes easy to overlook the mental effects that it also brings.

One of the main mental aspects of having AS is worrying about the future and overthinking about the potential negative implications and changes to ones life that this may bring.

Being diagnosed with a chronic condition is scary because there is no end in sight. Sadly there is no magic bean to eat that will fix our misbehaving immune system. This makes it easy for the mind to wander and think of all the "what ifs" that our conditions may lead to.

My personal thoughts

When I was first diagnosed, I found myself thinking about so many different different negative scenarios that might happen to me as a result of my AS.

Some intense googling sessions allowed my mind to wander and really worry myself about what the future might hold.

Over time I realized that these were ridiculous things to think but I'm going to share a few of these concerns and explain just why they were all unfounded.

Will I walk again?

The most immediate concern to me was that I was almost completely immobile and every inch of my body was in pain. I asked myself what if this is my situation for life?

It took me 8 months to realize that the intense pain and inability to move was not a permanent feature in my life. Once I started on my medication and implemented my daily stretch routine, I saw incredible improvements. I can now move around freely. Yes there are and will be times when I am stiff or in pain, but it is miles from the condition I found myself in initially.

I hope if I keep looking after myself this will continue for some time.

Forever alone?

I was a young man enjoying my single life, but I asked myself what if nobody would ever want to settle down with me and I would spend the rest of my life alone. I also debated whether if I was able to convince a girl to be with me, would my condition be a burden on her?

In terms of my relationship fears, I realized that if a girl was ever bothered by the fact that I had a chronic illness, then she is not the girl for me. I also realized that thinking like this wasn't giving myself credit. If you allow me to stop being humble for second - I am an absolute catch.

If you have also ever had these doubts, please know that your chronic illness doesn't define you or take anything away from you as a person. You are amazing because of who you are, and anything that comes with your condition is not a burden - it's a minor inconvenience at most that doesn't change a thing about who you are.

Will people judge me?

Prior to my diagnosis, I only saw arthritic conditions as being things that the elderly experienced. I didn't see it as a particularly sexy thing to tell people about and wondered if people would judge me or feel a certain way if I told them that I had it.

I couldn't have been more wrong about this. Ever since I started opening up about my journey with chronic illness on my Instagram, the love I've been shown has been overwhelming. The support I have received from friends, strangers and people I vaguely knew has really allowed me to accept my condition. I haven't been judged or treated differently at all; the only change is that people ask me how I’m getting on with my conditions and I really appreciate this.

Is my life  over?

Perhaps the most pressing concern for me was that any kind of plan that I had made for my life would be thrown out the window. I was enjoying my life living and working abroad as a TEFL teacher and was very much hoping to carry on. I worried that my condition would scrap any of these plans and lead me down a path of eternal unemployment.

I recovered just in time for the COVID pandemic, so my plans to move abroad would have been impossible with or without my condition. However, my condition did lead me to discover a new passion in my life - writing. What started as making crude Instagram posts joking about my conditions turned into putting together articles without the use of Croydon slang.

If you've read this far then hopefully you don't think I am too terrible at it. Although I still hope to venture overseas in the future, I am grateful that I have been able to find a new passion and am excited to see where it takes me.

Recognizing these are "what ifs"

Of course it isn't as easy as me telling you not to worry about these things. But I think it is important to remind ourselves that these fears are all hypothetical situations. The best thing to do is to take each day and situation as it comes.

Yes it is possible that these things could potentially happen in the future. But stressing ourselves out about what the future might bring, could end up impacting on us in the present. Higher stress levels can sometimes lead to flare ups and have further implications on our mental health. Having a clean state of mind is so crucial for battling chronic illness.

I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Your life may be different because you have a chronic illness, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is for the worse.

Sometimes life throws things at us that are out of control, but what we can control is how we react and adapt to these situations.