Life Lessons from 17 Years of Illness

I’ve had many different chapters in my life—I was diagnosed with AS when I was nine—and I was incredibly ill until I was 16. I spent the next eight years in remission. In 2019, I moved to Alberta in pursuit of adventure and personal growth, only to start getting really sick and having to fly back home. From then on, I started becoming more ill. All of these chapters have required me to show up in different ways, but one thing always stayed the same: deep down I hated myself.

I grew up insecure because of my illness as a child.

It all started from being diagnosed at such a young age. Everybody looked at my differently, or stared at me when I was in my wheelchair. I became very insecure and anxious, which eventually morphed into social anxiety when I got older. From the age of nine up until my early 20s, I struggled socially as well as internally with the way I viewed myself. I spent the majority of my life disliking myself—feeling like I didn’t bring anything to the table, feeling ugly to the point where sometimes I would sleep with makeup on because I didn’t like to look at myself without it. Most of this was what I experienced when I was in remission.

Becoming more sick made me realize how valuable I was—and still am.

After becoming more sick the last two years, and losing so much of myself, I started looking at the bigger picture. I’ve grown into and out of so many different versions of myself, and what I learned from them is this: you aren’t as ugly, mundane or useless as you really feel. In the presence of being all of these versions of myself I felt all of those things. I felt like I was nothing. But as I look back at them now, I look at them with so much admiration. There was so much to love. So much I was working on. So much personality and drive. Becoming this ill has made me see just how much value I held in these versions of myself.

It proved that you can have everything you want and still be miserable.

My years spent in remission I had everything my younger self wanted: a steady social life, living with zero pain, opportunities to make amazing memories…life was good. I couldn’t even remember what it was like to be in so much pain. Yet still I found myself to be absolutely miserable all the time. In retrospect, this taught me that you can in fact have everything you’ve ever wanted and still be absolutely miserable. My current circumstances have also taught me that you can be nowhere near where you want to be, and still find happiness within yourself.

I’ve learned to whole-heartedly love myself.

I love myself now more than I ever have. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin, despite not being in the most ideal of situations. I still grieve the loss of my old self, but I also am so happy to have lived to see them. I had to lose myself to find myself again.

So even though I am in the worst physical shape and live in a body that is constantly trying to destroy me—I am so grateful to have found the space to fully love and accept myself the way that I deserve.