Just another bad day
Friday morning, 6 am, the voice of my husband trying to wake up the kids for school. I tried to open my eyes wide, but I was so extremely tired, it took me a while. I just knew this was not going to be a good day. A flare day? I felt it starting yesterday, but I hoped today would be different.
Pain has impacted my relationships
Now my kids have learned that on days when I am not able to get up from bed easily, to get ready and go off to school. I am so grateful to have them in my life. They are what keeps me fighting. They are the reason I want to keep trying. I know it hasn't been easy for my kids and especially my husband.
My husband is my biggest support through all this. I thank God for him being in my life everyday. I know I don't show it much. I don't show much of my love lately to him because pain can easily make you into a person you can least imagine. Angry, guilty, ashamed and most of all want to be alone because you feel like a burden. Through all this he keeps giving me hope that all this will get better and everything is for a reason. The sufferers on this earth are the ones that will find peace in the end.
Going on is tough, but I must
Days like today, I really don't see how they can be true. Waking up and feeling so exhausted brought on all my anxieties this morning. Thinking about how can someone be in so much pain and feel so tired. How can someone feel all they want to do is try, but are unable to. My mind wants too, but my body says the opposite. So many things go through your mind on these days. How you haven't seen anyone in so long. How you can imagine going back to work and have all the other responsibilities on you? How can I continue to be a good wife and a good mother to my children? How I am so exhausted mind, body and soul. How will someone listen to me and know that I am in so much pain? How will I get myself downstairs to my kids after school and put that smile on my face and keep showing how strong I can continue to be? How if I just let down my hopes and faith, I will let down these 3 humans I brought into this world.
What it all comes down to in the end is how to continue on learning to deal with flare days. Hopefully only until I figure out the right treatment with my doctors as they are doing more tests. Their might be something, but for now I have to do some self care and take care of my body and what it needs to get through another day.
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