Another Year Older With AxSpa

Another year has passed and I made it through. Turning 36 years old, another year of AxSpa by my side. I thought by now things would have been a bit different, but things have been the same. I still have high pain days. I still am struggling with unbearable fatigue.

My husband did ask me, "What do you want to do?" I hate answering this question weeks or days before an event. Because I don't know how I will feel. Before, the old me, would have loved to plan ahead of time. The old me would have loved to go out and eat at a nice restaurant with everyone. The old me would have loved to just spend the whole day outdoors or take a long drive. But now it is different.

I wish for a painless day

What I would like to do for my birthday is just try and have a happy, calm one. A day of self care with peace. A day that I don't have to think about my pain. A day I don't have to think about anything stressful in the world that will bring me sadness. Because lately, that's all I've been feeling.

My birthdays have been looking a bit different from previous years. Last year, I started a new trend with asking for a day off on my birthday (if it falls on a week day.) This year it fell on a Saturday, so I asked for the day before, a Friday day off. I celebrated last year by doing low key things that I loved, and thought why not do it again. A self care kind of day, all to myself, while the kids are at school and the husband at work.

Chronic illness and the never-ending struggle

Having a chronic illness is a constant battle to feel happy or content, especially with mental illness. I suffer to stay at a good pace and not have my negative thoughts go crazy. I don't know why I never thought of taking a day off before. It felt good. The kids where at school. Took a drive to pick up my free Starbucks drink (they give you a free drink or food item the day of your birthday.) So I made sure to pick up. I booked a pedicure to go and do. It has been a whole year since my last one. I struggle with self upkeep like doing my hair, manicures, and pedicures. They take a lot of energy. I am always left feeling extremely tired after.

I was worried I would not be able to drive to get my pedicure, but I ended up doing it. Felt good. I wanted to go shopping after, but after the pedicure I was feeling low energy, so I just ended up going to one store and headed home to rest, before the chaos would come home. I rested up the whole afternoon. I really wanted to maybe go out for dinner with my kids and husband that night, but I knew my body was not able to. I rested and we ordered instead a meal to the house, and thought we will try tomorrow on my birthday. Maybe I would regain some energy.

The results from yesterday

The next day I was hardly able to wake up from the exhaustion. I felt weak and tired. Like I spend a night out drinking. I get this often. The feeling of waking up after a long night of drinking, like when I was younger, only this time I just rested. It's a pick and choose kind of game living with AxSpa. Because then I pay for it for days or sometimes weeks to regain a bit of energy back. So my birthday weekend, I continued with staying at home, taking it easy, thinking my week of the usual mom duties, and things that would be easy to maintain like work, cooking, and every day life that needs tending to. But it brought on a flare.

I know some people love big birthday parties or going out drinking, as I see some of my friends and family do, but for me this is not what I would like anymore. I love to find some peace, calmness, and take care of my body for the long term. Because the "before me" and the "now me" are not the same. So anyway, I can help my body have less of a flare is a gift for me.