Here We Go Again...Another Flare

It's been exactly three weeks since attending my brother's 30th birthday party. It was something I really wanted to attend, as my brother turns 30 only once.

Before the event, like always, I went through high anxiety. Besides being in pain, anxiety is another thing added to the bunch of things I feel every day. Worrying how I will feel during the event. Worrying how I will feel after the event. It triggered my anxiety to be more than ever the week before. Sometimes I will learn about an event and my anxiety will start weeks or even months ahead of time.

I have tried my best to learn how to cope with my anxiety

I have been too numerous therapies. But sometimes it's hard to control, just like pain that comes and creeps out of nowhere slowly all over my body. This is where I tell you there is always something going on. If it's not my body, it's my mind. If it's not my mind, it's my body. And when it's both together, it's so hard to keep going. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy silently.

I used to try to talk to my family and friends about how hard it is, just to get myself at an event or outing. But I always end up feeling misunderstood or compared to others. When I am looking for is support and understanding. Instead, I get guilt about not being able to make it and having to cancel. Instead, I get told that I am "making excuses."

After the birthday party, no one checked up

No one called to see how I felt after the event. I don't want pity, but it would have been nice for someone to reach out and ask, "How is your week going?" "How are you feeling today?" I know through getting diagnosed I have learned to always check up on my loved ones, friends that are going through a rough time, or even have a chronic invisible illness. But instead, my surroundings act like I am like I use to be. They ignore the fact that I have tried to reach out numerous times and asked for help. Ignore the fact that I showed numerous times that I am having a hard time.

Little did they know, after the event I was put in another flare. It came slowly this time. Day by day, I was getting more symptoms. Now it's Sunday, three weeks after, and I am worried how will I do my tasks. How I will wake up tomorrow and be productive at work. How I will get myself to a comfortable place again.

This is where I have learned that I have to put myself first more often

This where I have learned that no one sees the suffering we really go through inside. The tears we shed, every time there's another flare happening. The pain that we feel burning inside and taking over our whole body. This is why it is so important to put ourselves first sometimes and doing what is best for us. It took a long time and I'm still learning that it's not selfish.