How a Proud Person Learned to Ask for Help

I’ve always tried to be someone you can count on when the chips are down.

It brings me joy to offer help and support to others, whether it’s dropping off a meal or driving someone to their doctor’s appointment. It feels good to show love to people when they need it most. Over the years this capacity for showing up has become a part of my identity.

The arrival of my own chronic illness turned that upside down

I desperately needed help, but I found the words stuck in my throat. I wasn’t ready to see myself as ‘needy' and definitely didn’t want to rely on other people.

In reality, I was drowning. There were days when I couldn’t leave my bed, let alone prepare a meal for my family or drive my children to school. My husband managed as best he could and I curled up in a ball of misery.

One day I struggled to the door and found a friend standing there. She was ready and willing to do whatever I needed, asking why I hadn’t called. I’ll always be thankful she didn’t wait for that request I simply couldn’t make.

Looking back I know there would have been other people in my life happy to step in and provide support during that difficult time. In allowing them to help me, I would have given them the opportunity to feel good about themselves. Instead, by shutting them out and shaming myself for being less able I only made things worse.

Asking for help was a profound lesson

Of all the lessons life is teaching me through AS, learning to ask for help has been one of the most profound. It’s wrapped up in so many realizations:

• Asking for what I need reduces my stress and makes life easier.
• Accepting help from others gives them an opportunity to feel good about themselves.
• Help from others means less of a burden on my immediate family.
• The worst thing that can happen when I ask is that someone will say no.
• Asking for help is not weak or something to be ashamed of, it’s human.
• I speak up for myself because I don’t deserve to suffer in silence.

These days my symptoms are well managed for the most part, and I’ve been able to go back to finding ways to support other people in my life doing it tough.

While I don’t need as much help as I used to, there are still many things I can’t manage on my own such as lifting heavy bags into my supermarket trolley or getting my suitcase onto the airport bus. When I ask for assistance, usually with a brief explanation because I ‘look fine’, I generally get to witness something really nice: another person happy to get the chance to help someone out.