The Chronic Monster in Disguise

Who knew I would wake up one day not feeling the same ever again. Who knew, something I call the chronic monster, would take over my life, my body, my whole world. This chronic monster that comes in a disguise and likes to hide from inside me, where no one can see. Who knew? I sure would never believe someone is capable to go through feeling something like this.

Dear monster...

Have I told you I don’t like you very much? Have I told you, you are just plain evil and I hate you. Have I told you how much you have taken away from me? Have I told you how you have made me into an angry person?  Have I told you how you’ve made everything much harder to do? Have I told you I wish I can get rid of you and never look back?

You are a chronic monster, that I hate so much

I have to live by your side, every single day and sometimes with no breaks. You make me want to scream on top of my lungs, but if I do that people will think I am just crazy. You make me live with unbearable pain, all over my body.

Since you have come into my life, things haven’t been the same. You like to take away things slowly. You have taken away the joy of getting dressed and going out. You have taken away time with my family and friends. You have taken away little by little, things that matter in my life. You have taken away precious time from my life that I am seeing passing through like wasted time.

You are a chronic monster, that never knocks on the door and comes in unexpectedly

You likes to surprise me. You just walk in, when you are never welcomed. You make everything much harder to so, as you have sucked out all my energy. Working, walking, standing, sitting, cleaning, cooking, driving, socializing, you have me it so much harder. A lot of the times, not able to do at all. Just when I decide to make plans for a nice weekend with my family, you decide to get tough and mean, making me having to cancel, all my plans. You make me look like a disappointment and like I am the enemy. You make me look like I am lying and making excuses.

I wish someone could see you. I wish someone could feel you. Just one time, to see what it feels to have you with me, every single day. I want someone to see that I am not crazy for everything you make me feel. I want someone how lonely it can feel. Looking at everyone around me, smiling having a great time. All of a sudden, you decide to cause me unbearable pains, bring me tears in my eyes and instead, go crawl into bed. You are evil.

You can make me feel so tired, I never thought it was even this possible

Not only tired body wise with no energy, to the point I can’t get up, but to the point where I can’t mentally do it anymore. I have to keep finding strength around you, for a reason to try and keep going. I am tired of you making me cry. I am tired of you making me angry and into something, I don’t want to be. You show others, something I am really not.

You are a monster that likes to take and take little by little, all my energy. You leave me struggling with pains, fatigue, brain fog, depression, and anxiety to deal with. You think you got control over me, but I keep fighting. I keep trying to fight you. Every time you decide to haunt me, I become more prepared to fight and beat you.

You have stolen so much precious time

You have brought so many tears in my eyes and made it feel very lonely. You come in such a disguise, that you have everyone fooled and make me look like it’s all in my head. You make me look like I am not trying and that I am lazy. Little do you know I have the power to win you. Little do you know, I know you so well now by now, that I have become less afraid of you. I know your tricks. It’s been to long living with you, I am starting to know your steps.