My First Relationship (and Break Up) With AS

Up until recently, I had never been in an official romantic relationship. I was in my "having fun stage" before chronic illness turned my life upside down at the age of 21. My university graduation hat had barely hit the ground when I found myself in a wheelchair, trying to find out why I was in agonizing pain and unable to walk.

A combination of long flare-ups, new diagnoses, living abroad, and COVID keeping me inside stopped anything serious from materializing for me. To be honest, after spending a year and a half by myself during the pandemic, I had gotten pretty used to my own company. If I may say so myself – I’m a pretty good time!

However, seeing many of my friends beginning to settle down with partners got me thinking about whether I was missing out. I had made multiple attempts to upgrade a situationship to a relationship in the past. But they all came to a halt because of complications brought on by my conditions. Girls whom I thought understood my condition would soon lose patience with my body’s unpredictability or mistake my fatigue and need to rest for disinterest in them.

I thought that perhaps the only life partner I would truly have would be my misbehaving immune system. Until one day, I crossed paths with someone who made me realize that this was not the case.

Coming chronically clean

We were inseparable from the start, and it soon became evident that we had a deep connection. I felt so comfortable in her arms, but I was terrified from my past experiences that her finding out about my chronic illnesses might scare her into letting go. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before a flare-up would reveal everything anyway, so I had to address the painful elephant in the room.

In the past, my method for revealing my condition would be exchanging Instagram accounts and letting her see my posts about my life with chronic illness. That usually sparked the conversation where I would explain that our relationship would unfortunately always have a third party involved.

However, on this occasion, she had disabled her account for a social media detox. This meant that I had to come out of the chronic closet to her in the old-fashioned way with a conversation. I was more worried this time because I cared a lot about her and was already fantasizing about our future together. If she were to run away like the others before, I would have been devastated.

But she could not have been any more understanding and supportive. She told me that she admired how strong I was for overcoming all the hurdles on my journey and that she wanted to learn all about my conditions to support me in the best way possible. I was incredibly touched and relieved, but at the same time, I wasn’t getting carried away because it wasn’t the first time that a girl had claimed that this didn’t bother her.

She was invested

However, this time, it was for real. I was shocked at how actively interested she was in my conditions.

I think the deepest question a love interest had ever asked me was, "Are you still in pain today?" But not only did she genuinely ask about me and my body's well-being, but she would also often message me about something she had read up on regarding my conditions. If she had any suggestions, they weren’t for me to try but for us to try – we were in this together.

She also kept me motivated with my advocacy work. Not just through being a sounding board for all the crazy ideas I had for posts, but by suggesting some as well. She was from another country and suggested ways we could support chronically ill people in her homeland by putting together content in her mother tongue, which I was avidly studying for her.

She was understanding

One day, I had to cancel a date because my spine had decided not to cooperate with our plans and left me stiff and bedridden. I was anxious that this would anger her. I awaited a barrage of complaints and accusations of not wanting to see her – something I was accustomed to in the past.

But to my shock and joy, she instead said that she was coming over to look after me. She turned up at my house with a bag of self-care goodies. She ran me a bath with Epsom salts, gave me a face mask, cooked me dinner, and we cuddled the night away in the most pain-free positions possible.

It was the first time that I felt like somebody actually cared about me. I had finally found someone who was not put off by my health issues, and I thought that maybe I was finally stepping into the first chapter of my love story.

She was not the one

However, unfortunately, not everything was peaches between us.

Out of respect for her (although I’m not entirely sure she deserves that luxury), I won’t go into the details, but the relationship came to a messy end. I found myself incredibly upset and stressed out by her behavior and treatment of me, which caused my pain levels to skyrocket.

She had returned to her homeland, and the time difference between us certainly didn’t help. It meant that I was exhausting myself by staying up into the early hours of the morning arguing with her. I could no longer put my body and mental health through the constant circles that we were going in and sadly had to pull the plug on things.

Final thoughts

On one hand, I am a little upset that I used so much of my limited energy reserves trying to force the relationship to work. The fact that I had found someone who accepted me for my condition led me to turn a blind eye to her toxicity and the fact that she did not treat me with respect at all. Thankfully, I eventually realized that I should not be putting up with this – I deserve a partner who embraces my condition and treats me well.

However, I like to try and make positive flips out of everything in life. So, although things did not end as I had hoped, it was an important lesson to learn that a relationship is possible for me and my chronic illness-riddled body! I didn’t find the right girl this time, but I am sure that she is out there somewhere.

Have you been successful in the dating world with your AS? Let me know in the comment section below.