I Miss Having a Choice

Every morning I wake up immediately feeling the fire behind my eyes and think to myself, “Time to do the same thing as yesterday…” The only motivation for getting out of bed is the aching of my joints, screaming at me that despite the lack of sleep, it’s time to get up. From here I dreadfully look at my to-do list, knowing that although I would really like to accomplish everything, more often than not I can’t. I spend the rest of my day struggling, but somehow gathering the strength to move forward and push through.

How I spend my day isn’t my choice

The one thing I struggle with the most is the idea that because of my health (or rather, lack of), I have lost the power of choice. Choice is such a huge aspect of life. It affects almost everything; our futures, our happiness, our relationships, our hobbies. Naturally, I envy those of optimal health. Every day they wake up they have the choice to either be productive or spend the day in bed. It’s procrastination. If they feel poorly about that later on, it was ultimately their choice. If they want to eat pizza or go hangout with friends or try something new, whatever it may be, they have the choice. I’ve been robbed of that luxury.

Repetition feeds my depression

Losing the ability to wake up every day and do as I please because of my fatigue or consistent discomfort has created a lot of repetition in my life. When things become too repetitious, it feeds into my depression because the things I am doing lose their sparkle. I used to love to read, and I definitely still do deep down, but it’s lost its meaning to me because I feel so forced to do it as I don’t have much else that I am able to do. This all comes back to the importance of choice, and how losing that has lead me into one of the darkest periods of my life.

Everything I do feels forced, which makes it difficult to find enjoyment in my day

Whether it’s dietary restrictions, the inability to spend time with my family or friends, losing interest in the things I used to enjoy, or being tired all day and wired at night – these choices are already being made for me every single day by my body and I have no say in the matter. It’s hard to find enjoyment when I am being stripped of all of the things that make me happy.

If I had a day off from the pain, debilitating symptoms, and overbearing fatigue, I would spend as much time as I could with my loved ones, go for a nice long walk, write to my heart’s content, eat a 10 pack of donuts, and most importantly—have fun.

I can find little spouts of joy despite my situation, but waking up and fighting the same fight every day is exhausting nonetheless and I miss having the choice to spend my time how I want to.