Coping with an Axial Spondyloarthritis Flare That Won't End

I'm in another endless axial spondyloarthritis flare (again). How long will this one last? The days have gone by so fast. I'm starting to forget what normal feels like.

My days are high in pain, and my moods have been up, down, and all over the place. My anxiety has come back and is just hanging around, while the depression is hovering around me in darkness. It's hard to see the light.

Feeling the set back

I feel like I have fallen a few steps back. This reminds me of the early days when I was looking for a diagnosis to explain what was going on with my body.

I hate how much these recent flares bring me down — it's hard to see any positives. Axial spondyloarthritis flares seem endless, and lately they've been lasting longer than usual.

Another sleepless night

As I write all this down, it's 5 AM — another sleepless night. When I looked in the mirror, my eyes were puffy and my face looked swollen.

It's been a hard night. I've been tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable spot to fall asleep where the pain is not so high. But unfortunately, I just couldn't lay in bed anymore.

The physical toll of a flare

I have numbness in my hands and my body feels like it's on fire everywhere. It feels like there's a tight belt around my midsection. The heaviness of trying to turn and readjust my body from the stiffness is just too hard when energy is lacking.

Since I got sick, I haven't had any good days. The sad part is that I really feel like my biologic is not working for me as much anymore. My rheumatologist confirmed this at my last appointment. We did some blood tests which confirmed the inflammation increased. I thought he would at least change my treatment, but he left me to wait.

I'm not able to sit or stand for long. Morning stiffness is unreal, and it can last long. I've been needing to take hot showers again. I've been taking more pain meds.

Keeping myself occupied with work

I've thought about calling in sick to work more often, but I'm trying not to. I want to keep my mind occupied, even though it's the hardest thing to do. I am thankful that if I have to call in sick, I have a great supervisor that understands. She has told me that health comes first and to always take care of that.

Even with her support, it's been hard to see the light again. I know that I am trying my best. I know that I will keep pushing, but I won't lie it's very hard. I've lost count how many times I've felt like this.

I feel like I can't keep doing this whole chronic illness thing. Because it can feel so very lonely. But I keep reminding myself of all the times I have been able to come out of this and get myself into a comfortable state.