The Never Ending Flare

I'm in another flare (again). How long will this one last? The days have passed so fast. I forget again what normal feels like. My days are high in pain, and my moods have been up and down and all over the place. Anxiety has come back and is just hanging around, while the depression is hovering around me in darkness, hard to see the light.

I feel like I have fallen a couple steps back

I feel like I am back to the reminder of the first days where I was looking for a diagnosis to explain what was going on with my body. I hate when I got into a flare lately, because it brings me down so much and it's hard to see the positive. The flares last longer than usual.

As I write all this down, it's 5am and it's another sleepless night. I got up to look in the mirror, and my eyes are puffy and my face looks swollen. It's been a hard night. Tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable spot to fall asleep where the pain is not so high. But unfortunately, I just couldn't lay in bed anymore.

I have numbness in my hands, my body feels like it's on fire everywhere. It feels like there's a tight belt around my midsection. The heaviness of trying to turn and readjust my body from the stiffness is just to hard when energy is lacking.

I've been in a flare for many months now

Since I got sick, I haven't been able to get some good days again. The sad part is I really feel like my biologic is not working for me as much anymore. This was confirmed at my last rheumatology appointment. We did blood tests and he confirmed the inflammation increased. I thought he would at least change me treatment, but left me to wait.

I'm missing out on things again

I'm not able to sit or stand for long. Morning stiffness is unreal, and it can last long. I've been needing to take hot showers again. I've been taking more pain meds. Calling in sick has been crossing my mind more often, but I'm trying not to, to keep my mind occupied, even though it's the hardest thing to do. I am thankful that if I have to, I have a great supervisor that understands. She has told me that health comes first and to always take care of that.

Even with her support, it's been hard to see the light again. I know that I am trying my best. I know that I will keep pushing, but I won't lie it's very hard. I've lost count how many times I've felt like this. I feel like I can't do this whole chronic illness thing. Because it can feel so very lonely. But I keep reminding myself of all the times, I have been able to come out of this and get myself into a comfortable state.