My One Year Painiversary

As my one-year painiversary is coming up, I thought writing an article about this topic was important.

My last pain free day

My last pain-free day was the 13th of April 2020. I did not know that this would be my last pain-free day. I wish I knew. If I knew I would have cherished my last day. But of course, there was no way of me knowing. So, there is no point on dwelling on the past.

It's only been one year, but being honest, I can't remember my life before my pain. I can't remember the feeling of being pain-free.

The morning my life changed

On the 14th of April, I woke up and my back was in agony. I had a lump under my left shoulder blade. I felt stiff. And I felt a pain that I had never felt before. I didn’t think much of this, I always had a slight pain in my back. I thought, maybe I slept wrong. Maybe I hurt myself at work.  As time went on, the pain got worse.

After 10 days, I went to the doctor. As you read in my Little Bit About Me and My AS I saw many doctors before my diagnosis.

When I woke up on the 14th of April, I could never have imagined that I would be diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis. I had never even heard of this condition before. I could never have imagined that I would be told that I had a life-long illness. I honestly thought I'll be fine in two weeks.

The past year

This past year has been a whirlwind of emotions. A lot has changed in this year. I went from being busy, on the go 24/7 to being bed-bound to being able to live with my pain.

I tried meds that didn’t work, meds that made me sick, and finally, meds that work! I had an awful time on the first biologic I tried, which I will explain in more detail in another article.

I felt lost, I had no hope. I thought I would never find the right medication for me. But luckily, I did. A year ago, everything was different. I would never have pictured my life like this, to be in pain every day.

Sometimes it upsets me to think of how used to being in pain I am. My hope in life is to be pain-free. I wonder: will this ever happen? Dwelling on the “what ifs” is pointless. I need to keep fighting.

I am the type of person who needs instant gratification. I want to be pain free now, I don’t want to wait to see if the trying works. But, I need to be patient. I need to persevere with trying to help me. By resting, exercising, taking my meds, etc.

Looking back

Looking back at the past year makes me both sad and proud. I am proud of what I have accomplished and overcome.

I went from being bed-bound, barely able to walk to now having my life back with some adjustments. I went from being too fatigued to be able to have a proper conversation, stand or shower, to being able to leave the house. On good days I can leave the house for nearly the full day, but I will pay for this the following day.

I am sad to think that I haven't had a pain-free day in a year. I am sad that this has happened to me. But I need to stay positive.

This illness has changed me, for the better. I now think about “me” more. I put myself first. I also look at others differently, it made me realize that I don't have a clue what is going on in other people's lives. I suppose you could say I have become a more empathetic person.