Riding the Wave of Overwhelm

So much about living with a chronic illness leads to feelings of overwhelm. Whether it’s worrying about coverage for medication, struggling with the responsibilities of everyday life, or dealing with almost anything while trying to cope with debilitating symptoms, it can be hard to feel like you’re ever getting a breath of fresh air.

It hits me hard and without notice

I’ve gotten very good at keeping calm and collected. I try my best not to let the weight of living this way get the best of me, but sometimes one little thing pushes me over the edge and then I lose my composure. A huge wave of overwhelm comes crashing down over me and I crumble. When this happens, I find it hard to do just about anything. I can’t concentrate and negative thoughts consume me. A spotlight shines onto all the things that are “wrong” with my life, the things I feel like I’m behind on, or how I’m in a deep, dark financially unstable hole.

I feel I can’t stop it from boiling over

Though I have gotten better and keeping cool in the spaces in between, I still find myself feeling like there is no stopping the tipping point. It’s hard to do so when, well, living with a chronic illness means you never really seem to catch a break. Or at least that has been my experience. It’s hard not to experience this point of overwhelm when so much of my life is in fact overwhelming and I never get a chance to catch a full breath.

I know things will be okay, but they don’t feel okay

When I’m in the midst of overwhelm, I can see logically that I have gotten through all the worst things that I never thought I would; that I always figure it out in the end. But emotionally, it’s hard to see things that way when I know so many other individuals don’t have to experience this consistent overwhelm. Especially abled individuals. I feel like for the last two years I’ve been stuck in survival mode, always having something to be stressed or worried about.

I can’t remember the last time I sat down and really felt a sense of peace

I remember when I used to work, I would come home after a long day, plop myself onto the couch and have this huge sigh of relief. My shoulders would drop, and I could feel my body in its entirety start to relax. I can’t remember the last time I felt that sense of relief; that sense of peace. When you are unable to work and unable to get adequate benefits to help you survive during these unprecedented times, all the while living with disabling symptoms and trying to keep yourself afloat financially, emotionally and physically, it feels impossible to find a true moment of peace.

I know someday things may improve. But there is no getting around the fact that living as a disabled individual can be overwhelming and stressful.