Tips For Dating With AS

Dating with a chronic illness sure can be tough. We have a complicated enough relationship with our immune system, so having another one with a human being on top of this can be a bit daunting.

But us spoonies are no strangers to challenges in life and although I hardly put the AS in Casanova, through trial and error (mostly error) I have compiled some tips for approaching the dating world that I’d like to share with you guys.

Don’t overdo things

At the start of a new relationship, it can be very tempting to go all out to impress your new partner (or at least it is for me anyway). But there’s no point in overdoing things and putting yourself into a flare on the first date. Otherwise you may not be physically able to make the second!

Pick activities that you know your body is comfortable with. Maybe go for dinner at a restaurant that you know is relatively pain free to get to. One without chairs that will assault your spine. Or if the weather is fine and your pain levels are low, how about a gentle stroll in a park that you know has plenty of benches for you to sit down when your body needs it.

The most important thing is to always put your body first. Of course, rock climbing or hiking sound like exciting things to do, but if your body isn’t feeling up to it, you may be ending the date with a not so romantic trip to the emergency room!

Be open

Personally, I believe that being open about my condition early on is the best way to go. It’s probably a bit too intense to bring up on a first date, but as soon as I see that there may be potential with someone, I will let them know about my conditions.

Of course the timing of when you give your big rheumatology reveal is completely up to you. Only do it when you feel completely comfortable doing so. Conditions like ours are impossible to keep secret forever and I think it is a good idea to let them know early on. This ensures fewer mix ups when your condition inevitably throws you a curve ball. They will know that any changes in behavior or cancellations to plans are because of your condition and not because you have gone off them!

I know it can be frightening to reveal these kinds of things to anyone, let alone somebody you want to stick around with romantically. But if this news does scare them away, then they were never the person for you anyway!

Our energy supplies are often limited and dating sure can drain our batteries at times. So, it is important to know that you‘re using your spoons wisely with someone that really deserves your time and effort. I usually try and use a bit of humour when revealing these things to ensure that it isn’t too overwhelming for them. Symptoms like morning stiffness make a cheeky innuendo easy for example! But I make sure I don’t overdo it & make it too unserious and make it clear that any questions they have are more than welcome.

Don’t let your condition hold you back

I think my biggest worry about entering the dating world post diagnosis was being judged about my conditions.

With arthritic conditions being incorrectly stereotyped by most of the world as being something only the elderly have, I thought that girls may not see it as the sexiest thing ever and be put off by it. But this was before I had fully come to terms with my diagnosis. It took me a bit of time to mourn and be fully comfortable with my diagnosis and realise that my achy joints changed nothing about who I am as a person.

As the cliché goes: you need to love yourself before you can love another - except this time we must do it with our condition. Well maybe not love your condition, because it’s pretty hard to fall in love with something that causes so much pain and suffering! But accepting it and coming to terms with it properly is important in many aspects of life – dating especially.

So remember that your condition absolutely does not define you. There are so many amazing qualities that make you who you are. Nobody is actively looking for someone with or without arthritis - it isn’t a trait OR a red flag that people are avoiding. Your condition is just a light bit of seasoning in the delicious sauce that is you!

What are some of your tips for dating with a chronic illness? Let me know in the comments below.