You should not make fun of people. Tell them the truth. You buy 8 pairs of compression socks, cut them on their length, then sew them together, and put Velcro on the 2 ends. Then you have your significant other gently stand on your stomach so you can pull it tight. There is no way you are going to be able to pull the socks on to get them to your lower back.
Thanks for the chuckle Jim