Journal: Now More Than Ever

August 9, 2022
Woke up early today - my eyes just popped open. Looked at the clock - 5:32 am staring at me. My pelvis is aching a bit; the right hip is still painful, but not too bad today. I don't try to go back to sleep. It’s futile - I'd toss and turn until irritated. My struggle with spondyloarthritis flare has eased after 5 years, and I'm Finally Finding Relief.

The boys, my emotional support animals, come to my side looking for an indication of how I'm feeling today. Think I'll start my day with a walk - the dogs will enjoy my company. Shoes, jogging pants, a light t-shirt - leash, poop bags, and foot booties - We head out the front door.

Less pain and walking

I don't usually feel well enough to take a walk with my husband and the dogs early morning. But, my pelvis and hip pain from spondyloarthritis are minimal and I am feeling better than most mornings. I actually rested last night. I believe the new meds are effective - Xeljanz has done miracles for me and the pain of AS. Or it could be the doubled-up muscle relaxer, a  new prescription from my physical medicine and rehab physician. One, the other, or both, I'm beginning to get some rest.

It's already in the 90s here, so this walk will be short. The sun is shining despite the storm last night. Out the door, and down the walk, no one is about. It's muggy for Arizona, usually with low humidity. Sometimes we meet up with other walkers, but not today. They probably already know it’s too hot out. But our boys, Jaxon and Blu, will not allow us to not walk them. They'd resent us the whole day if we didn’t head to the park for the sniffs and bunnies. There are roadrunners and sometimes we see the large quail family (20+ babies) heading away from the park, especially after the rain, like this past monsoon week.

Hip beginning to ache

In and out of puddles, zig-zagging pattern down the street to the bend. Smell that bush, wiz on this tree. Around about past mailboxes, to the park they pull and tug, cramping up my back. Have to slow the pace; my hip and leg are beginning to ache. Blu has slowed his pace to mine, by my side, looking up every now and then, eyes always on me. I smile and think about how glad I am he has comforted me so. And, very glad I wore my sneakers. My ankle has been aching and swollen since foot surgery end of April, only a few weeks out of my surgical boot, but the heel pain is lessening. Inflammation decreasing.

Around the park, past the swings, they search for the bunny rabbits that live in the holes near the water runoff. Stopping here and there, looking back at their marked path, they both begin to slow their pace. Think it’s the heat. East side of the playground, we see a road runner scurrying across the road before a car comes down the way, looking for rodents or geckos to snack on. There are beautiful purple flowers in the trees, where the hummingbirds hover and pull the nectar for which to sustain them. What a morning. The sun is warm. A hawk soars up in the sky.  

Heading home

Homebound now, stopping off at the mailbox for letters, they turn to see if we are being followed or if any other beasts are out and about. I notice they don't want to head home, but the sidewalks are heating up. They are walking very slowly now, leash lax, hoping to get a least 10 more minutes out of the house. Heading home is less exciting for them, boredom with the mundane everyday schedule. But they waddle and sway to the beat of our footsteps. I note my slowly increasing limp, both sides now, the pace slowed. Up the walkway, the door’s unlocked; again, they stop and look behind them, hesitant to proceed, knowing only the yard for the rest of the day.

Door opens, and we all step inside. There's a sense of disappointment the trip has ended, but slight excitement that treats will come. Leash removed, heading to get a drink. Water spilled all over the floor around the bowl. Sloppy drinkers, all mopped up. Achy lower back - enough of cleaning the floor for today. I can see Blu is a lot more exhausted than we are, 20 mins seems too long for him. Seems 20 minutes was always too long for me whatever I do, but it's been better lately. Blu hasn't been himself for the past 3 months, not eating right and he sleeps a lot. I'll keep my eye on him.

Bad news

Soon enough it's 8 am, and the phone rings. We've been waiting to hear about Blu's medical issues; he’s been to the vet 4 times. Normally as a support dog, he has his eye on me, making sure I am doing well throughout the day, but the role is reversed recently. He limps a little bit, his back legs bothering him, and his glands under the jaw very swollen. But it's his lack of interest in eating and excessive sleeping that has me worried. He normally has so much energy; he should at 4 years old. Not recently. When we noticed the extremely swollen glands, he went right in to get examined. Not sure, we got the call this morning - 2 weeks later after 2 sets of 8 lymph node biopsies - he has lymphoma. Many tears fall.

My boys have helped me out immensely through tough times with my disease. Always at my side, always resting with me when too tired to get up as I deal with SpA, both have been there through the sorrow and loneliness, through the ups and downs of chronic illness, the intense pain and fatigue of inflammatory disease, never wavering. For this I am grateful. Giving them love and support too is so important - we hold each other up when down.

I am forever Grateful for My Emotional Support Dogs. It's going to be a tough fight with Blu and his lymphoma, and I know it will end badly. He should have long walks, treats galore, soothing massages, and new experiences. Feeling better, it's my turn to support him as he has supported me so much in the past - he deserves so much love and affection. I wish I could give him the promise of a long life. I am horribly sad. I love him so much. Now more than ever, before I lose him forever, he needs me.