Time Slowed Down When I Became Chronically Ill

My birthday was a couple of days ago and it got me thinking about the passage of time. Specifically, how it has slowed down for me ever since I got diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis.

Now I spend most of my time at home in pain. It makes the days go by a lot slower. I often need to rest in between tasks. Sometimes even in the middle of tasks. It takes longer to get out of bed, it takes longer to change my clothes, it takes longer to shower, it takes longer to do chores, it takes longer to do just about most things.

Both mental & physical activities take a toll

Not only does it take long to do physically involved activities, but so do mentally involved tasks. This includes things like interacting with family, responding to messages from friends, study, or even watching television. The time it takes to do things and the number of breaks I need, all add up. It makes the days seem like they take forever to go by. When I finally go to bed at night, I can’t fall asleep for hours because of the pain. It makes the slow days seem even slower. As if there are somehow more than 24 hours in a day. I never have enough energy to do things, but I always have more than enough time for them.

I also get fidgety

With all the breaks I have to take and the periods of rest, I often get bored and fidgety. While this is irksome at times, it also gives me a chance to practice mindfulness and do some reflection. I get the time to think about how I’m feeling and why I'm feeling that way. I also get to think through my problems and find possible solutions. This extra time I have for reflection and retrospection has made me feel a lot more resolved about my life.

Being in constant pain also contributes to the slowing of time. The pain feels long and drawn out and seems to take forever to get better or subside. This is especially true when I am experiencing a flare-up. When I can’t get out of bed because of the aching pain, minutes feel like hours. For me, time is measured by pain. The first 16 years of my life flew by, but the past 6 years of having AS feel agonizingly slow.

I only need to keep pace with myself, not my able-bodied peers

“Everyone does things in their own time.” This is something I’ve heard a lot in the past and it has become my mantra of sorts. Instead of comparing my pace to that of my abled peers, I only keep pace with myself and my abilities. And so, I found a new application for this adage. I am doing things in my own time, a time that is slower because of AS.

It used to feel like AS stole my life from me, but I don’t feel that way as much. Now I see AS as having given me more time -- time to explore myself and learn who I really am.