I recently had to stop taking my immunosuppressant. It's only been three days and I feel like I'm not going to make it. I'm trying not stress myself out, but I think about work and getting ready for the fall semester and its feels like a physical and mental bowling ball is pressing down on my back. It hurts to walk,sit , stand, and lay down. Basically exist.
I tried doing some yoga poses yesterday, I didn't make it very far because of the pain, but it helped for a few hours. I even risked going to a store, I used a cane for the first time in public.
Being in my late twenties and having to park in a handicap spot while struggling to use a cane was not what I thought my life would look like. In that moment, when I had to wait near the exit; where the bench was at, I felt embarrassed. I even felt humiliated because it felt like people were staring, judging and feeling pity towards me. I hurt physically and I felt like my body was betraying me. Autoimmune diseases care not about age, race, gender, are any other identity. It's just an unfortunate part of some people's lives, my included.
It will be four weeks before I can take my medication again and I am trying buckle down on my anti-inflammatory diet. Its a lifestyle change that I was building up to and now it's like I've cut cold turkey. No chips, no soda, no fast food, no candy. Just clean eating. I don't mind the cooking part, but I am struggling with being able to stand long enough to cook. I'm constantly having to sit down, and when I sit for a little while, it's painful to stand back up. Its this never ending cycle.
I feel really defeated right now, but I'm trying to find the positives. So far, I tell myself that this will give me plenty of experience on staying committed to the anti-inflammatory diet. I've listened to three audio books and I'm on the fourth now. I've saved a lot on anti-inflammatory recipes and look forward to trying them out. I got to watch it rain this morning from the comfort of my couch. I can't wait for autumn rain.
Still hanging in there,
Alexis